Cast away

Lost: To wander from or become ignorant of: lose one's way. It is a frightful feeling, the sense of disconnection and confusion to the present surroundings and not be able to control what is happening around you. There is a sense of helplessness and the need to find security, familiarity and comfort very very fast. Fear creeps in and we will do anything to protect ourselves. I remembered the first and last time I was lost. It was in elementary school times in the 80's and I got lost at my friend's place near 87 ave and 163rd st. I can't even recall if I went with someone but the area was new to me and the unknown surroundings blurred my sense of direction and I lost my way. What do kids do? I cried and cried but I also saw a "block parent" sign and went to that house for assistance. I wish I could be some assistance to Flo. She had her teeth cleaned yesterday and the night of the day before and yesterday, she did not eat or drink. Yesterday morning, I manage to get her to drink a bit of water from my hand in the morning before I left for work and before her operation. That was the last time I saw my flurry friend. I do not want to confuse you, she is not dead or anything. She is just lost, her old self needs time to recover, that is what I am hoping because I miss her so much. The fear in her eyes was one I do not want any being to have, at the vet was frantic, wild, and instinctive fear and suffering..when I called to calm her, it was like the wind, her eyes looked beyond in a world I could not enter. I didn't think she saw me at all, those glossy round eyes beamed out at me. There was no connection, just fear. She hissed as though she needed to fend off a bear and her life depended on it. We tried putting her bag inside and seeing if she would enter it herself but she remained in the fearful state..hissing and growling as if there is no tomorrow. The doctor finally came in with protective gloves and a blanket. The sound of her howls was the loudest I ever heard her. He wrapped her up and placed her into our carrying bag and I walked her home. It is sad to see her in a new personality..she is calm now, it took awhile but I am worry about her because she hasn't drink much since she got home and I tried feeding a bit to her but all she did was sniff it..her walk is slow, tipsy and careful..her quietness and reserved nature but unlike her old self of confidence and voice, she seems empty of life. She is alive yet she is not in some sense. The experience must have been painfully stressful for her. They had put her to sleep to get the teeth clean. The fasting was crazy. I do not know if any humans can, would allow or endure a fast of food about 15 hrs before surgery. When I think back, I wonder if it was such a good idea in the first place. If clean teeth is more important than losing a friend or unintentionally causing any beings such suffering and pain. I miss her gentle voice of greeting. I miss her galloping run and playful fun and meetings. I miss her appetite for food when she ask for it. I miss turning the tap on and her leading the way to the bathroom sink for water. I miss her variety of meowing to communicate, one for outside, one for food, one for greeting, one for disappointment and sadness. I miss her cuddles at night and deep breathing. I miss her confidence and self purr healing. May we both be able to be one with the changes and be able to become new friends like old ones.